Craving Freedom

Yesterday, my cravings came back with a vengeance.

The day started well, with a full Ashtanga yoga series, work in the back yard with my son, and an audition taping session with a young actor and his mom.
As they were leaving, she asked, "Did you hear about Anthony Bourdain?"

I closed the door after them, and immediately went on line to CNN.  The renowned chef, writer, and travel show star had taken his life in a hotel room in France, where he had been shooting his latest episode of, "Parts Unknown," for the cable news network.

On Tuesday, I had been shocked and saddened by the death of designer Kate Spade.  She was 55, just a year older than me, and the mother of a 13 year old girl.  Bourdain has a young daughter as well.  Why did they end their lives? These two individuals weren't just successful.  They were loved and respected because they had turned their work into an art form.

Spade's designs put a high level of beauty and style within reach of so many women, and Bourdain used food and his show to connect people and help them understand each other.  They were truly finding a way to express themselves, and make the world a better place with their work.  These were the kinds of individuals I have always looked up to and wanted to emulate.  If they couldn't made it another day in this cruel world, what did that say to a regular woman like me?
For the remainder of the day I was restless and constantly thinking about binge foods.  I have struggled with overweight and obesity, which has been driven by fear, anxiety, and self hatred for years.  You see, my father took his own life when I was six, and that's when I started binge eating to ease my pain and fear.

Bingeing on sweets and starches blocked the pain and fear I felt as a child, but it also led to a fatter body which made me ashamed.  It took decades for me to develop a way of eating and moving that allowed me to truly live.  The essence of my solution is to leave out foods and forms of movement that increase my appetite.  When I eat sugar and grains I get hungry.  Actually I get ravenous, and I start eating in a way that is out of control.  When I do traditional calorie burning cardio, like an hour long aerobic dance class, I end up ravenous too.

My solution is to leave the sugar and typical cardio out, but yesterday I slipped.  I won't describe all of the sweets and starches I ate, but I will describe the consequences.  This morning I am achy, swollen, and sad.

When I get up from my desk in a few moments, I will brush my teeth, get my keys and my bag, and go to the gym.  I will warm up, I will lift, and I will live.  I'll come home and have a meal that is sugar and grain free.  By Monday, when I train my first client of the week, the bloating and most of the sadness should be gone, or at least tucked farther back in my mind.  Today I will ask myself, "How can a woman live and be happy in the body and the world she is in right now?  If success, fame, and slenderness don't protect us from sadness, what does?  I will move, eat, live, and love my family.  If we stay present, reach out to each other, and treat ourselves with loving kindness, I hope that we will all have the time we need to find the answers.

Catherine.

I have pasted the national suicide prevention lifeline below so that anyone who needs it or wants to share can do so.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours everyday